so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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