I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
Randomize
