Ambien. No doubt about it.
Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Randomize
