When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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