Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
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