bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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