i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
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