how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
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