i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
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then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
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I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Randomize