Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
I don`t remember Saturday, actually
Its ok, i dont remember 2007
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
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