the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
Randomize
