i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
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