i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
Randomize
