The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
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