He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
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