Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
Randomize
