He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
