Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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