dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
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