wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
