Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
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