This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
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