There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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