Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
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