i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
