My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
Randomize
