I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
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