i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
Randomize
