i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
Randomize
