if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
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