I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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