paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
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