i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
So did he inherit the massive family cock?
:(
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize
