yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
