I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Randomize
