3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
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