meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Randomize
