I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
Randomize
