hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Randomize
