hey, what are you doing tonight?
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
Does she know that uploading nude photos to photobucket and networking are two different things? You may want to ask.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
These 25 Drunks Should’ve Gotten Cut Off A Long Time Ago
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen