As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
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We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
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SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?