The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
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threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
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Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad