New low: just hacked my moms facebook
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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