you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
Randomize
