Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Randomize
