Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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