Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
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I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
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I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
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