my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Randomize
