im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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