What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
Randomize
