Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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