i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Randomize
