you really need to stop walk of shaming home from theme parties.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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