At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Randomize
