I wish life had little blips of pornography
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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