Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
