There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
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