Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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