My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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