I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
Hate to say it and even though I definitely have a biased opinion but I'm surprised your not, sleeping with anyone else. Good personality, charisma and amazing in the sack.
Feel free to use me as a reference.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
