If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
